From Heart-Break to Heart’s Desire

We all have wounded hearts, put back together with band aids and patches that hold just long enough until the next disappointment, hurt, broken relationship, disillusionment, or crushed expectations occur. We suffer heartaches all the time in a world where there is a lack of unconditional love. Almost every human being is inwardly harboring the pain and hurts of childhood, reenacted throughout adulthood, hardened hearts in defensive, protective, selfish-mode, guarded hearts with walls built up against external threats, and fears of opening up the heart to further pain or heartbreak.  No wonder there is an epidemic of heart disease, broken lives, broken families from divorce, addictions, and other negative behaviors born of deep hidden pain.

I just recently went through a shock and heart-break at a very deep level of an old trauma that came to the surface unexpectedly. I was in the dentist chair after breaking a crown eating sautéed spinach and kale. I always pay attention when things happen that are strange or out of the ordinary. They seem to contain the seeds for great transformation or contain the hidden sacred in disguise. The dental assistant tried to take a x-ray of the last tooth in the upper left side of my mouth and I gagged on the instrument and the frozen memory in my cells came flooding up to the surface. I was no longer my adult self, but a raw, vulnerable small child in shock and horror, re-experiencing the trauma in a flashback. Because the memory was pre-verbal, it was exhibiting in body sensations and feelings of fear, pain, shock, suppressed rage, vulnerability, powerlessness, and a complete lack of control, safety or security.

When I was able to go to a spiritual healer to help me to process the trauma, the extra details that came to light as the picture emerged broke my heart. The one person that I had idealized and used as an anchor of goodness to survive my childhood was exposed as one of the violators. My projections of evil had focused on the one whom I had cast in the role of oppressor, violator, and abuser while the other I had cast in the role of saint and pure goodness. The one person I had relied on, idealized, and looked up to came crashing down and the sense of disillusionment was devastating. I went into shock, horror, despair, grief, loss, pain, suffering, and deep sorrow.

The truth about illusions is that they NEED to come crashing down so the REAL that can only come through God as truth, goodness, wholeness, and beauty can come in and replace the false within us. We project all bad or evil on a person or a group, while we project all good, or godly on other people or groups. The truth is every human being contains both bad and good, and only when one is fully awake and conscious can we choose what we want to manifest or out-picture in our lives. We can nurture the divine qualities within us and we can have compassion for the shadow. When we surrender it ALL to God, we can go from the duality of good versus evil, discriminating and judging, to our original divine created state of good and very good, and begin to live in nonduality. Disillusionment is then exactly what the soul needs to move to the higher level of consciousness where we are manifesting Christ and can be one with the Father. This is the pearl of great price.

“We were so utterly, unbearably crushed that we despaired of life itself…but that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead (asleep, unconscious, unaware of our true divine natures)” (2 Corinthians 1:8-9).

Broken heart syndrome has symptoms that can mimic a physical heart attack.  Symptoms include:

  • Chest pain
  • Shortness of breath
  • An irregular heartbeat
  • A generalized weakness
  • Nausea
  • Heartburn

These symptoms can come from a physical heart attack OR an emotional heart-break AND it can be the opening for transformation, and a doorway or gateway into God. The worst thing that happened to me turned out to be the best thing that happened to me, as it opened my heart to allow more of God in. We have two choices when faced with heartache, pain and suffering: we can turn toward God or we can turn away and fall deeper into suffering. We can become bitter or better!

“Of myself I can do nothing…Come back, come back and in holy stillness be lifted high above all this! Your dominion over yourself and the circumstances of your life can be glorious if you will keep your center clean, illumined and still in the immortal silence…You will be given divine strategy in dealing with seemingly hopeless difficulties…Turn your face away [from the problem], turn it within toward that which is shining there. This is the kingdom of heaven” (Strong, 1948, p. 222-223).

Believe me I would never have said this at the height of the pain with daily waves of crying, sobbing in fact, as emotion washed over me, the feelings so intense that I really thought that my heart could not bear it. I felt as though I might die, it was so intense. I doubled over in physically manifested emotional pain. I had to pull over on the road as feelings of weakness and the sensation that I was losing consciousness, or my soul was leaving my body, would wash over me like a tsunami wave. I cried a million tears. After I had cried so much that I thought the well of sorrow must be finally empty, I cried some more. The thing I have learned about crying is that the benefit of tears is not emphasized enough. Waves of tears cleanse us from the inside out, releasing feel-better neurochemicals, empty and open us to allow the Holy Spirit to come in as the living water from above. These cleansing tears, accompanied by the power of the Holy Spirit, deeply clear, purify, heal, transform, and lift us up to higher, expanded, divine consciousness.

Insight, deeper understanding, and the wisdom of God can come to us after we have allowed God to enter into our pain, soothe the hurt, comfort, and bring us to wholeness and oneness with the Father. Without the contrast of the deep emotional pain, we would not know the greater heights of joy. Without experiencing the deepest darkness of separation, we would not be able to appreciate and glory in the light within of the presence of God. The light of the stars is always there, you just can’t see them until the darkness surrounds you.

I thank God that I know God! I could not have faced this without knowing the love and presence of God. I believe God raises us up, fills us with the love and light of God, so we are able to face the deepest, darkest pain within us. In fact, I found that having the last stronghold I unconsciously held in the world toppled, brought me to the realization that EVERYTHING has to be surrendered to God, even my most positive projections of goodness, before I could totally surrender myself and my whole life to God to heal my wounds, so I could be one with the Father.

The truth is we are already made whole and healed by the gift of the Master Physician and Healer Jesus, but we have to accept it, face our hidden, stuffed secrets, and willingly allow the Spirit into our walled off hearts, closed closets and hidden compartments in the heart that are storing old toxic, undigested emotions and painful experiences.

Know that pain is a gateway to God. “Count it all joy when you meet with various trials…that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing” (James 1:2-4). Courageously dive into the center of the pain, feel it in your body in the present moment, and ask God to enter in. If you distract yourself, stay in the past THINKING about your pain rather than allowing yourself to feel it in your body, numb yourself with alcohol, food, or medications, or call a friend and discuss your pain instead of feeling it in your body and bringing the presence of God into it, you will just have to deal with it again at a later time. It may come again in a worse state than the first, in the manifestation of a physical illness rather than an emotional pain. If I had not allowed myself to feel the pain and allow God to transform it, instead of a broken crown, the symptom of the hidden pain may have come again as a car accident, or even a more catastrophic experience. Pay attention to the earliest symptoms. Bring everything to God.

Pay attention to the metaphoric level of symptoms for clues to the trauma or wound. I broke my crown. This had meaning to me because it was about a broken connection to my Heavenly Father. Before this came to light I only wanted to accept the feminine aspects of God and reject the masculine aspects. All I wanted to do was eat ice cream until I made the connection of ice cream to “I scream” and trying to compensate for all the screams I never was able to scream out loud. The nursery rhyme came to me “Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after” My level of consciousness was fallen as this hidden event from my childhood was frozen in my body. Until I was able to face it and deal with it, my consciousness was not able to rise to the level of God-consciousness. It kept dragging my mind back down into duality, instead of rising to oneness with the Father.

Know that anything that you are making your rock, refuge, or savior besides God will keep you from oneness with the Father, and keep you a return visitor to suffering. Put nothing above God, not your family, minister, spiritual practice, or children. Turn to God first, allow Spirit to fill you with divine unconditional love, and then you can truly love your family and friends. Know that peak experiences and mountain top experiences often strengthen you so you can face the deepest pain in yourself or others. Mountain top experiences do not mean you are whole, perfected, or one with God. For me it was to strengthen me, fill me with love, and teach me that God is real so I would have the courage to face my deepest darkness and fears.  Know that facing your darkest fears will bring you peace, healing, and a closer relationship with the Divine. “God knows how to rescue the godly from trial” (2 Peter 2:9). You will not die, fall apart, go insane with grief and sorrow, or not be able to bear the pain if you have the presence of God with you. You can face the worst life could throw at you when you have God on your side; when God has your back! All you have to do is take one step toward God. Cry out to God in the midst your pain and feel what transpires. Know and trust God with the small things and then when the big things threaten you, you can lean into God, you can rest in God’s heart, you can be comforted, strengthened and healed into wholeness. You will be freed from feeling threatened by any external thing, and know that you can put all your trust in God.

When faced with heartache, feel the ACHE:

  • Acknowledge the pain, fear, symptoms; feel the feelings in your body
  • Cleanse or clear the pain, trauma, wounds, hurts or darkness by Calling in the Power of the Holy Spirit. Confess any mistakes, take personal responsibility for your part, confess any unforgiveness, resentment, bitterness, or rage/anger. Clear any obstacles to the free flow of the Light of the Holy Spirit.
  • Heal by allowing the light of Christ into the wound, allow the light of Christ to enter through the cracks of your broken heart. “Pay attention to the lamp shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rising in your heart” (2 Peter 1:19).
  • Expect God to not only heal your heart and make it whole, but to regenerate every cell into the newness and oneness with God. Expect a miracle when you allow Christ to not only transform, transmute, and give you a brand new whole heart, but to give you the deepest desires of your heart!

Until we face our hidden hurts, wounds, scars, and heart breaks, we stay on the surface of our hearts, unable to truly love and be intimate. Our heart’s desires at this superficial level are selfish, externally focused, and do not offer lasting satisfaction. As King Solomon discovered, these surface heart’s desires for sex, power, status, fame, money, or material success are vanity. “Whatever my eyes desired I did not keep from them; I kept my heart from no pleasure…and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind” (Ecclesiastes 2:10-11). Until we delve deeper into the heart, which requires going in and through the painful storage of pain and heartbreak in the emotional heart, we can not reach the deeper spiritual heart where we can be one with God. The heart’s desires from the still, silent depths of the sacred spiritual heart truly satisfy so that we are never hungry or thirsty again. We are constantly fed here by the fountain of living water and can live in the garden of the kingdom of the new heaven on earth forever. Seek first the kingdom of God, and right relationship with God, and all these things will be yours as well (Matthew 6:33). 

My heart’s desire is:

  1. To be One with the Father
  2. To have Jesus be fully manifested within my body, as my body, to be the hands and feet, eyes and ears of Christ
  3. To be continuously filled with the Holy Spirit flowing in and through me to the world; empowered, enlivened, inspired, full of vitality, creativity, passion, peace, joy, and love
  4. To live in the kingdom of the new heaven on earth 24/7 until it is visible and experienced by all human beings.

What is your heart’s desire?

“Delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart” Psalm 37:4

“You have given me my heart’s desire and the request of my lips, set a crown of fine gold on my head, and made me glad with the JOY of your presence” Psalm 21:1-6

About NewHeavenOnEarth

I am my Beloved's and He calls me His own!
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